Today my old boss rang to talk and share his experience with anxiety and depression and how he hates his old business partners for making him experience these debilitating diseases. He has only suffered for a year or so and i know he see’s these as a sign of weakness especially for him. I remember when i was working for him and i would have an anxiety attack and he would tell me to breath and it’s not really real just all in my head and if i was strong of mind i wouldn’t let this affect me so, he always thought he has the answer to solving my depression and anxiety. i didn’t suffer from anxiety until i started working for the company he was running. he was talking about how he wants to get into a good place so the anxiety and depression will be no more. i understand where he is coming from as i would like to be the same for me for some it’s not that easy. I said to him once you hit rock bottom the only way is up on the journey up you can still linger or roller coast from one side the to the other depending on the day and how you may feel.
when he first called me after a year of not speaking as i was made redundant and he left he called and apologised for the way he treated me with regards to my depression and anxiety now he has some understanding on how i was suffering. Now i struggle with day to day living i have good days and bad days. i’m having 3 bad days in a row not being able to sleep, my pain is higher than usual and my mind won’t stop with thoughts.
Listening to him tell me how i need to work harder in my recovery and how i can be the person i was before the injury and if a quadriplegic i think he meant paraplegic can do things and over come their injury’s there should be no stopping me as i still have both my legs and i can move. He doesn’t know or understand what i have been through how much i have tried over and over. I have been through pain management, I’ve changed my pain medications and that has it’s own affect to how much i can do. Some days i feel like i am walking in a cloud where i struggle to remember things people have said or concentrate on tasks.
It’s easy for him to tell me how i should be living but to be in my shoes, to feel the way i do, to feel deflated all the time, to pray my pain would go away and stop affecting other parts of my body. I would give anything to be the person i was 3 yrs ago i miss her but it’s hard to see if i will be her again at lease now i would like to be pain free id love to go to the gym and work out like i use to, id love to be able to eat health and not let my emotions affect the kind of food i have but i’m an emotional eater, which i wish i wasn’t then i wouldn’t have to worry about my weight all the time and i know when i’m eating chocolate or junk food that it’s not helping my situation but at the time even if it’s for a minute it helps. no one will understand what i am going through unless you are going through the same thing.
After a while of listening to him going on about how i should eat health and how he spends all day in a truck for work and doesn’t eat junk food and drinks water or he would be the size of a house and how god is helping him that is great as that is working for him but it’s not going to work for me as much as i could pray to god his not going to give me a new body.
I now see the toxicness the conversation was heading to and i’m stronger now to say good bye as i don’t need to have the negativeness of his words to linger in my mind. i know he thinks he is trying to be helpful but his way of making a person feel good is pointing out what is wrong with them. when he was my boss he once said he likes to break a person down and then build them up, he managed to break me down and lose so much confidence in my self as i was never good at my job or my weight was an issues i always said he could hired a barbie if that helped.
This is my journey, i have no idea where i am going or if i will ever leave this crazy roller coaster i’m on. I need to how to accept this life and try and live instead of just feeling like i am existing.